He Just Needs Time…to Date 20 Year Olds
Sue’s gotten into it with a guy who’s just gotten OUT of it, it seems. He was married for 17 years, and split up a year ago. After 2 or 3 months dating Sue, our boy here has decided he is “scared of relationships” and the only way to get over it is to date women who are 20 years younger than he is. Poor guy, huh?
Sue wants to know — is this total crap or what? Let’s find out more:
Hi,
I met someone about 6 months ago, not expecting too of course but it just happened. Was great, had tons of things in common, it was amazing. After about 2-3 months he wants to back off.
I met someone about 6 months ago, not expecting too of course but it just happened. Was great, had tons of things in common, it was amazing. After about 2-3 months he wants to back off.
Common timeframe for hitting the brakes — this would be the “Huh…so we’re really dating then, are we? How do I feel about that, exactly?” moment.
Now what I haven’t told you is he hadn’t been divorced from his ex wife for even a year. They had been together for 17 years. When they split because they grew apart…. they tried to get back together and work things out. Well, during that time he finds out that she has been sleeping with a close friend of theirs. So he says he’s scared of relationships, scared to death! Which I can see, I understand.
Trying…to battle…skepticism…f–failing…
He also says that he can’t be with me unless he gets to go out and do the single thing for a while.
Skepticism…winning…must stay strong…
Which I can also see and understand. When we were tight he had all these girlfriends that are very young! He’s 40 and they’re 22-26, mostly 22. So now he’s hanging out with a 22 yr old which I think is gross cause of the age difference I think of the mentality of someone that age.
Aaaand skepticism wins.
But of course every guy thinks it’s oh sooo cool.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Not every guy. It’s a little sad. I wonder if during sex, he yells out, “Oh Red Porsche, you’re the best!”)
I wonder what’s wrong with his maturity to be hanging out with someone this young?
Mmm, it’s not really about his maturity, I think. Not that I’m saying he’s mature. I’m just saying that I seriously doubt that he’s looking for a deep, meaningful connection with the girls on Gamma Gamma MidlifeCrisis. This is about sex. And self-image. Not a mature relationship.
AND should I be believing all this crap about needing to be single for a while?
No. No, you should not.
Women do think crazy things and of course I have a friend who’s going through crap and says if he liked you, really liked you it wouldn’t matter that he just got out of a relationship. Well, I beg to differ on this opinion…don’t you?
Actually, I don’t beg at all. I find groveling to be more my style. But regardless, no, I actually agree with your friend. If he wanted to be with YOU, what’s he doing with these other girls?
He also doesn’t like talking about his feelings and when I try to get it out of him he gets mad at me.
Well…uh…don’t you get mad when people try to get you to do stuff YOU don’t want to do? I mean, I’m just saying that the phrase “try to get it out of him” is used not only in your relationship, but also at Guantanamo Bay.
He does act immature but what man doesn’t from time to time doing things to try to make me jealous. He has insecurity issues….after 2 wks of hanging out with this girl he says to me that he feels sometimes that she’s his girlfriend. I can’t believe this? It doesn’t make sense! How can he be so mean and heartless to me? Show no feelings, yet still want to talk to me, tell me he needs to do this single crap and doesn’t want a relationship?! I’m guessing he did it to make me jealous…..he also thinks after he tells someone his feelings they leave him, he gets hurt… Maybe I just have a basketcase?
Dear Sue,
Well, I have good news and bad news for you — the good news is that he’s not trying to make you jealous, and you don’t just have a basketcase. The bad news is that basketcase or not, you don’t seem to “have” this guy at all.
I’M SCARED OF RELATIONSHIPS…WHEW, IS SHE GONE?
Here’s the thing about “I’m scared to death of relationships.” Is this ever true? Sure, sometimes. But far, FAR more often, it’s merely a convenient lie. What he’s trying to get you to believe here is, “You’re great, it’s these dastardly relationships that have me all petrified. But if not for that…” What does this sound like?
Anyone?
Answer: “It’s not you. It’s me.“
Ugh. Brutal. And always BS. Why do we say it? Because it’s nicer than saying, “I’d rather be single than with you.” And for men specifically, we know the idea of a man being “afraid of relationships” or “afraid of being hurt” is out there in the female consciousness. Men know that there’s a decent chance that these reasons will be believed.
The real truth is that it isn’t you OR him that’s the “problem.” It’s the combo of you, plural. That’s what frigs things up.
TRYING TO MAKE YOU JEALOUS?
I don’t know if he’s even thinking about it that hard. Honestly, I think he’s just dopey enough to think that he can talk to you about what’s going on in his dating life without it hurting your feelings.
To tell you the truth, I think what we’ve got here is a dude who likes you, but who wants to be able to have sex with all the fantasy women he was thinking about during that long, slow end to his 17 year marriage. Mature? Not really. But it’s what he wants, right? Not much anybody can (or should) do about that.
Good luck, Sue. I’m sorry the manslation isn’t more positive here, but he’s not giving me much reason to believe it’s anything beyond what it looks like — a middle-aged man who is free from a bad marriage, and looking to make up for lost sexytime.
What’s your take, ladies? Is this guy trying to make her jealous? Is he immature? Or what?
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