When He Fantasizes About BEING a Woman
THIS IS HOW IT IS
Whether or not you believe it is a moral issue, a psychological problem, an “abnormality” or whatever else — none of that really matters, in the sense that he is how he is. And even if you and he were to BOTH think it is somehow “abnormal”, he’s still the one who gets to decide what to do about it.
So, given the fact that it seems he’s not going to be changing this fantasy anytime soon, what can you do? All you can do is ask yourself this:
GIVEN THAT THIS IS HOW IT IS, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Obviously, it sounds like what you REALLY want is for him to never have been like this in the first place. It’s reasonable to want that at first, obviously. It sure would be easier. Sadly, er, life doesn’t mind making you do things the hard way. (Thanks, life!) https://postheaven.net/okcupid/a-reader-calling-herself-just-having-fun-is-getting-back-a-little-too-much
So, given that he IS like this, what now? Do you want to stay with him? Could there be a way that this could be ok with you? If not, as I say, it’s not going anywhere. But if you want to work it out, I think the only way is through.
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, HAL!
I think that the only way through any relationship difficulty — especially a big one — is through an “opening of the airlocks” as I like to say. The bigger the areas of secrecy, the bigger the WHOOOSH when you open those airlock doors and finally share the whole thing between the two of you. And I’m talking about the WHOLE thing. His fantasies, how he feels about the whole thing, how YOU feel about the whole thing. If you’re going to make it through this, you both have to know the WHOLE STORY on both sides.
This can’t be “you vs. him.” Who could win that? If, however, it is “you AND him vs. this issue” then it’s at least a place to start. Maybe even better, it’s “you AND him vs. misunderstanding.” Who knows if this will be too much for your relationship to bear? But at the very least, you know that you love each other. At some point, you both want the other one to be happy, right? Well, that may or may not be incongruous with staying together.
From what you say, I don’t think either of you knows that for sure yet. As far as I can tell, the only way through this one is going to be a throwing open of all the doors, and seeing EXACTLY where you are both at.
Good luck, Anna. I wish I were more of an expert in this (or any) area. But I am definitely an expert in being in relationships where one or both parties wish the other one would stop being how they are. Believe me, you don’t want to be an expert in that.
Let’s throw it out to the mans-ladies. Anyone have experience in this arena? How did it play out?
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