How Long Before We’re Exclusive?
Our manslatee of the day is Veronica, who has a question about when it’s time for she and her man-about-town to become exclusive. She writes:
How long should I date a guy before it’s reasonable to expect to start seeing him exclusively?I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of months and things have been fantastic – great chemistry from the first date, great dates, amazing sex. He introduced me to his friends a few weeks ago and they said that I should keep doing what I’m doing because he keeps talking about how much fun he has with me, etc. But he’s still dating other women, and I’m getting annoyed (starting to feel like a booty call). Should I read between the lines and kick him to the curb?
Dear Veronica,
How long until you can reasonably expect that you’re exclusive? 100% up to you — it’s whenever YOU expect it to be. And 100% up to him as well. Simple right? Let me add those figures up and–uh-oh! I know I haven’t taken math since roughly 1987 (and even then I wasn’t paying attention — sorry Mr. Yeomans) but something seems amiss. How can you both get full say here?
IN THE EYE OF THE EXPECTOR
If you’re asking me when you can expect to be exclusive, you’re asking the wrong person — or to be more specific, your asking one of the six or so billion wrong people. The only people who get to do any expecting in this situation are him and you. There’s no standard here. And you already know what he seems to expect. So it’s all on you. And it sounds like your expector just went off. (You should try an expectorant. And I should NOT try to write when I’m just getting over a cold.)
WHAT DOES HIS BEHAVIOR MEAN?
No way for us to know without asking him. Luckily he’s not dying of a mysterious fever somewhere in the Amazon. In fact, he’s close by on a regular basis. He’s your boyfriend. (Or your something.)
It seems to me that there are only a couple of reasons why a man would want to keep seeing other women instead of being monogamous, in order of likelihood.
- He’s having fun doing what he’s doing, and nobody has yet given him sufficient reason to stop doing it. This could be when he’s not sure he likes anyone enough to restrict his dating habits. Pretty common behavior.
- He DOES want to be exclusive with a woman, but doesn’t know where she stands on the matter and is afraid to make that step without knowing more. Not SO common, but it does happen.
- Has a mysterious fever that can only be cured by multiple sex partners. Very rare. Probably not that one.
WHAT TO DO?
You ask if you should read between the lines OR kick him to the curb. What I wonder is, does this guy even know that you’re frustrated? Does he know that you WANT to be exclusive? Are you exclusive with HIM, and what would he think about you having amazing sex with someone who isn’t him?
See, right now what I’m getting is that he’s having amazing sex, and he’s also allowed to have amazing sex with other women if he can find them. If that’s allowed, boy, I just BET he’s telling his friends how great you are. You’re every dawg’s dream — a girl he likes, has fun with, and who allows him to step out for some action when he’s in the mood.
You’re going to have to start a conversation about this because it sounds like he’s not going to. So just get the thing started. One caveat:
BE SPECIFIC
The key here is to know your bottom line and make sure he understands what you’re talking about. What’s an acceptable situation for you? Why do you want to be monogamous? Is it because you like him so much that you want to be with him and only him? Is it because you’re afraid you’re being used for sex and you want him to stop seeing other women to prove you’re not? What’s the crux here?
Men are usually the ones who are on the receiving end of “let’s be exclusive” and if it’s just because you want him on a leash, he’s going to try to escape every chance he gets. But if it’s because you really care about him and don’t want to share him with anyone else, well, that’s different.
Good luck, Veronica. Look talking about being exclusive will likely either bring you together or split you apart. It’s just how that conversation goes. But the good news is that either way, it will be the right move.
What do you think, ladies? When is it one-on-one?
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