Money Doesn't Buy Happiness
Hello,
I am a few years your junior and I'm currently a first officer flying for a major European airline. This job has awarded me with certain financial benefits that help me maintain an above average lifestyle. In a few months time I shall be married to a woman for which my affection is too intricate to write down on paper.
I am not happy. I do not know why. I cannot imagine what more I'd want. But when I wake up in the morning I cannot force a smile. It disgusts me especially because I know that god has blessed me in so many ways, deprived me of certain material and social problems. But I cannot be happy.
Miss Wendy, how does one find happiness when one has the building blocks but not the knowledge to put them together?
Yours,
Parsisian Pilot
Dear Parisian Pilot,
There were a few of things that really struck me about your letter. The first is your reference to your "above average lifestyle" followed two lines later by your confession that you aren't happy. If happiness isn't part of your lifestyle, how can you call it "above average"? The second thing that really struck me about your letter is the way you say that God "deprived" you of certain material and social problems. Perhaps English is a second language for you and that is part of the semantics issue here, but I wonder if "deprived" might be exactly what you mean--that you feel you actually missed out on something by not having the same financial challenges as others in your age bracket.
As much as I hate to admit it, I've been broke most of my adult life and despite the stress of money woes and sometimes wondering how I'd pay my bills on time, there are certain "building blocks" one earns when struggling with money. For one thing, you learn to be creative--how to design on a budget, throw parties on the cheap, make a fabulous dinner with the random things in your fridge when you don't have enough money to eat out or properly stock your kitchen. And by necessity, you're forced to find the things that make you happy at little or no cost--a used bike and the expanse of a lakefront on a sunny day, an afternoon in a coffee shop or at the park with favorite library book, or a a rental flick, a slice of pizza, and a 6-pack of PBR.
The other curious word choice in your letter is how you characterize your affection for your fiance as "intricate." Is that intricate good or intricate bad? Maybe it's a little of both. But regardless what your feelings are for her, I urge you not to marry anyone until you've invested time in yourself first--learning what hobbies and interests make you happy, because if you can't make yourself happy, it's nearly impossible to make someone else happy. And I suspect there may be deeper issues in the relationship that need to be addressed before you promise your lives to each other.
Finally, the most troubling part of your letter is what I read between the lines--this under-current of self-loathing--how you "disgust" yourself with your inability to even smile despite your financial success. Maybe you grew up privileged, maybe you got a first-rate education, and never wanted for much in the way of material goods, but that doesn't mean your life has been easy and it doesn't mean you don't deserve to feel happy or proud of your accomplishments. Since you do have a healthy cash flow, why don't you invest in a good therapist who can help you address some of these issues?
Take one year before you get married or make any big life change. Find a therapist, take some classes, make a list of activities you genuinely enjoy and make it a point to spend time pursuing at least one every single week. One or two days a month live like a pauper--from morning til night spend as little money as you can while having as much fun as possible. Go on a walking tour of your city--take a camera out with you and give yourself the challenge of photographing everything yellow you find. Find an ice cream parlor and try a new flavor. If you don't have a bike, rent one for an hour or two and go for a ride. Make a picnic and take your fiance to a park for the afternoon. Spend a day with a kid--throw water balloons, make finger paintings, create a shadow puppet show. And finally, volunteer your time for a cause or organization that means something to you. When I was fighting depression a few years ago, I started volunteering at a no-kill cat shelter in my neighborhood. Giving my time without any financial reward made me focus on the other--more important--rewards I was getting in return. Spending time with the animals did wonders for my soul and after two years there, I even found a cat so special I had to take him home with me.
So get out there, Parisian Pilot, and start feeding your soul--it's the only way to find real happiness. Oh, and can I borrow a few bucks?
Take one year before you get married or make any big life change. Find a therapist, take some classes, make a list of activities you genuinely enjoy and make it a point to spend time pursuing at least one every single week. One or two days a month live like a pauper--from morning til night spend as little money as you can while having as much fun as possible. Go on a walking tour of your city--take a camera out with you and give yourself the challenge of photographing everything yellow you find. Find an ice cream parlor and try a new flavor. If you don't have a bike, rent one for an hour or two and go for a ride. Make a picnic and take your fiance to a park for the afternoon. Spend a day with a kid--throw water balloons, make finger paintings, create a shadow puppet show. And finally, volunteer your time for a cause or organization that means something to you. When I was fighting depression a few years ago, I started volunteering at a no-kill cat shelter in my neighborhood. Giving my time without any financial reward made me focus on the other--more important--rewards I was getting in return. Spending time with the animals did wonders for my soul and after two years there, I even found a cat so special I had to take him home with me.
So get out there, Parisian Pilot, and start feeding your soul--it's the only way to find real happiness. Oh, and can I borrow a few bucks?
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