Uh-oh…He’s Got Two Internet Dating Profiles

Welcome back, manslatees. It’s Monday, and that means it’s time to start your manslators. We kick off the week with a question from frequent commenter, Sian, who, through some tactical Googlestalking (of which I wholeheartedly approve, by the by) that her potential internet date was ALSO looking for…shall we say, “wilder” stuff on a different dating site. What should she do? Read on to find out:

Jeff, my internet dating dilemmas are continuing (aarghh) and I am not sure how to handle this current predicament or if I should just be giving it the old wide berth yet again (sigh).

I am corresponding with a cute guy on a reputable sight that is geared for dating and serious relationships.
He is handsome, intelligent…writes well ( ok, not as well as you ) great to talk to on the phone, and I am meeting him this week for the first time. His profile states he is after a long term commitment with one woman.

Now fast forward to me checking another dating site that is into things volcanic.. straight to the “intimates” section ( yes I am checking up on him .. ) and I find him immediately..same Profile name and photos and all his sexual fantasies and fetishes for anyone to read. He certainly doesn’t mention the long term deal in this little scenario and is pretty much into 3somes and a lot of group dynamics by the sound of things!

Now this is fine if that is what he wants, but he has portrayed himself in an entirely different light to me.

Whats your take ?

Sian

Dear Sian,

First of all, good for you for doing a little research on him. The information is out there to see. He used the same name and pics, so I’d say it’s all fair game, no?

If I had access to the FBI’s files, I’d check everyone I knew just for fun. (Incidentally, I’m guessing the fun wouldn’t last too long. People aren’t usually as interesting as you want them to be. I’ve often thought that any violation I might feel if I were wiretapped would be instantly offset by the intense boredom the wiretapper must feel having been assigned to listen in on my boring, boring life.)

WHY THE DUALITY?

Look, I don’t know this guy, but I think it’s entirely possible that,  in his mind, there is in fact NO contradiction between these two desires. As I’ve said many times, a man’s sexual fantasies may have little or no direct connection with his relationship fantasies. So it’s totally within the realm of reality for a man to want both:

a.) A long-term monogamous relationship, and

b.) A bunch of 3somes and “things volcanic” as you say (I’m assuming that you meant lava, ash, villagers running screaming through the palm trees, stuff like that).

So if he wants both, why would he say he was looking for a long-term monogamous commitment?

WHY THE DISHONESTY?

My guess? He actually does want that real, loving, committed relationship but he’s afraid that such a woman wouldn’t understand if he said right off the bat that he’s also into this other stuff. And he’s probably right!

Most men know that the fantasies that are lurking in our sick little minds are, shall we say, not acceptable in polite company? I mean, I’m nice — maybe the nicest man ever to live (hey, I said “maybe”) and I know that the stuff that goes through my mind would make Courtney Love blush, if only she could stay awake long enough for someone to tell her about it.

Now, that doesn’t mean that it’s ok for him to misrepresent himself. But I’m guessing that’s why he did it. Best case scenario would be that he’s hoping that by the time he had to tell you about this stuff you’d really like him for who he is. Or he’s just on the “intimates” site for interim encounters, all the while knowing that he’s totally willing to give all of that up when he meets the right woman.

Worst case is that he doesn’t mind lying to you, and he wants a relationship AND all the crazy multiple partners stuff.

WHAT NOW?

So, what do you do here? Do you tell him what you know? My advice? Yes. And here’s how.

Look, if this is going to be a problem, it’s going to be a problem. Any first date is all about recon anyway — what can I learn about this person that will tell me if I want to learn any more about them? So, I’d say that you should broach this topic early. But do it playfully. After all, you’ve said you’re not judging what he might be into — you just want to know what’s what and make sure you’re not being messed about.

Try saying something like, “Well, as any woman with an internet connection and a brain would do, I did a little search before our date. And I found a dating profile. A different one from the one we met through. A…shall we say, naughtier one?”

At this point, he’ll probably be a little freaked. I’d recommend addressing that as well with something like, “No, hey, listen. Whatever you’re into is whatever you’re into. But on the profile I first saw, it seemed like you were looking for something monogamous (which is what I’M looking for) and I just wanted to make sure we both understand where everybody’s at.”

NO JUDGMENTS + NO B.S. = NO REGRETS

The worst that can happen if you bring this up kindly, playfully, and with the idea that you’re willing to listen is that he’ll turn out to be a jerk who was lying to you. And that’s an EXCELLENT outcome. That’s the kind of intel you desperately want on a first date. The best case would be that you both learn a lot more about the other one, and can see who’s who.

Which will he turn out to be? Who knows? I sure don’t. But I’d say that the mere fact that he likes this stuff is not necessarily enough of a reason to discount him as a reasonable partner. How he reacts to knowing you KNOW about it might be.

Good luck, Sian. Seems like you’re in a good, non-judgmental place to get some real answers that will help you see what’s what.

What do you think ladies? Give him a chance to explain himself? Or bail out now?