Is She Wasting Her Time Waiting for a Proposal?
Lucy’s live-in boyfriend seems to be dragging his feet a little bit. It seems that every step of the way is HER idea. And now that the next step in her mind is marriage, he’s digging his heels in, just a leeettle beet. Is she wasting her time, or what? Details, you say? Why, here they are:
I’ve been with my boyfriend (who is 28yrs old) for three years and he’s always been hard to commit, it took a while for him to date me exclusively and we dated for two years before we moved in together. I’m ok with how slow our relationship is going, even though it can get frustrating sometimes, it’s just that I’m feeling like we’re in a bit of a holding pattern and I’m wondering when the next step is coming ie. When will he ask me to marry him!?
Heh. Yes, I can see how “ok” you are with how slow it’s going, ha ha. And oh boy, I’m sure HE can see it as well.
When I make hints, he changes the subject or ignores me, once he snapped at me and said that maybe he’ll never get married and that he’s not afraid of being alone for the rest of his life.
Gosh, will you look at that — he CAN see it!
I’d just like to know if it’s something that’s possible or if I’m ‘wasting my time’ waiting for him to commit, if he never will. What do you guys think??
Dear Lucy,
It’s hard to tell exactly why he’s so resistant to this given that I don’t know what your actual relationship is like. But the fact that he avoids the topic and actually snapped out at you with a, “Well, I might NEVER do it, ok??” does tell me one thing:
UNDAH PRESSHA! (dundundun-dada-dun-dun) UNDAH PRESSHA! (dundundun-dada-dun-dun)
Yes, it seems like he’s feeling pressured. And it sounds to me like whatever you are doing by way of “hinting” is not working. And hinting is never the way to go on something this big. Why?
- He might not get the hint as you intend it, since a “hint” is, by design, neither clear nor direct.
- You’re talking about a lifelong commitment. Not something you want to tiptoe around.
- If he’s already edgy about this topic, he’s going to take the fact that you are “hinting” as a sign that you’re only telling him half the story, and it will make him edgier.
Think about it. You’re hinting on a topic that involves something that will affect literally every single day of his life, forever. Yours as well. That’s a pretty friggin’ big thing to be talking about in a roundabout, unclear, indirect way, don’t you think?
I mean, imagine being unclear about other HUGE, life-changing circumstances. You’d never start a war without telling everyone exactly why you were going in, and making sure that everyone was clear on exactly what the whole thing was about, right? Ok, bad example…
But seriously, if you were the president and you were going to order a launch of nuclear missiles, you wouldn’t say, “Hmm…Uruguay…I don’t know about that place…I just…sometimes I think it’d be better as a radioactive parking lot…What do YOU think?” Everyone would totally freak out, and no one would know what the hell was going on.
WILL HE OR WON’T HE? HERE’S HOW TO FIND OUT:
- DEFUSE-First things first, you’re going to have to help him take some of the air out of his defensiveness. I’d recommend starting with that. “Listen, I know in the past you’ve seemed to be a little pissed off when I’ve brought up marriage. I get that. But I would like to be able to talk about it with you. How can we talk about that, but in a way that won’t bother you.“
- DIVULGE-Next thing is to say what YOU want. “The reason I want to bring it up is that I DO want to marry you at some point.” Note, you’re not just telling him “I want to get married.” As in, you’re not just telling him, “Look, who gives a crap who I’m marrying, I just wanna DO it.” It’s HIM, right? Guys get a little nervous when they feel like someone has the role of “husband” that they’re trying to cast, and will you hurry up already, pal? Not a good thing for him to be thinking right now.
- DEPRESSURIZE-Finally, you want to let him know that this is not some demand, and you’re standing there, tapping your foot. That just won’t help get him relaxed enough to talk about this. It’s the opposite,”Believe me, I’m not trying to talk you into it if you don’t want to. Why would I want to marry someone who didn’t want to marry me? I just want to talk about this because even if you decide to never get married, well, that’s not how I feel about MY life, and I just want everybody to have their say.“
- D–uh—LET HIM TALK- I couldn’t think of a D word for that. (Though, in my defense, I didn’t try very hard.) Just listen, let him tell you where he’s at, even if it’s NOT where you’re at. Don’t try to “convince” him. What’s less fun than marrying someone who you “convinced” to ask? Just figure out where everybody’s at.
Good luck, Lucy. As I say, I’m not sure what he’s thinking. But I do know that “hinting” won’t help you find out. You’ve got to acknowledge that he’s resistant to this talk, and let him know that you’re not on some specific “marriage schedule,” at all costs, with graphs and charts. You just want to discuss this out in the open because it’s big.
This may be a pretty…intense conversation. But skillful couples get closer after intense conversations.
Ever been with a guy who snapped about marriage? How’d you get past it?
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