First Dates: 5 Things NEVER to Worry About.
So, let’s say you’re a woman. We can all agree on that, yes? Great.
Now, let’s also say you’re going out on a first date with a guy, and you’re not sure where you should be expending your terror. First dates are nerve-wracking enough as it is, and it’s been my experience that women seem to spend an awful lot of time and attention worrying about things that aren’t going to matter to their male counterparts.
Well, we here at Manslations.com are here to help. And by “we” I mean, you know, me.
Here are a few things you can safely leave off your to do list on that frabjous day:
Getting a manicure
Big waste of time and money. I have no idea what even happens during a manicure. If you want to do it because it’s fun for you, knock yourself out. But I’ll never know you did it.
I suppose if you got your nails painted some color that frightened me, or made me think of roadside construction warning signs, yeah, I might pick up on that. But even then, hell, I’d probably assume that’s just the current style. How the hell would I know?The Perfect Shoes
You can definitely cross this one off the list of things to focus upon, save to say that you should definitely wear some. Two of them, would be my recommendation (if that’s how many feet you’ll be bringing on the date.) If you show up barefoot, yeah, he might notice your feet. But barring that, he will never, EVER even think about them. They certainly won’t THRILL him.
Now, it is of course possible that you are going out on a date with a member of one of the groups of men who WILL notice your shoes (foot fetishists, cross-dressers, etc.) And if you end up going out with any of those folks, well, I’d guess you have at least one or two topics to discuss before you get around to your footwear.Clothes that match
Whenever I tell a woman that we don’t usually notice clothes, she will often get a little offended and ask me, “So, we could just wear sweatpants?” They always go straight for the sweatpants. Do you guys really wish you were wearing sweatpants, or something? Gosh, I know I do.
Anyway, the answer is no, of course you couldn’t just wear sweatpants. Well…unless you wore some outrageously colored sweatsuit — something so outlandish that I’d have to assume that it was a high fashion choice that I just don’t understand. In fact, I’d probably be worried that you were too hip for me. Hey, if you act like you’re dressed well, I bet he’ll take your word for it.What you eat in front of him
Here’s another one that women seem to spend a lot of time worried about. You order the Single Carrot on a Bed of Ice or some tiny, unhealthily dwarfish salad — evidently to give us the impression that you are a chipmunk or a tiny sparrow that lives on eleven calories a week. Something that eats half a walnut and then waves the white flag in surrender. “No, no. No more for me. I had a grape last weekend, I just couldn’t.”
I get it. You don’t want him to think you’re a hog. That’s cool. But as long as you don’t order the special where you get all the wings you can eat provided that you don’t use your hands, we’re not going to be thinking too hard about your eating habits. We’re going to be WAY too focused on gaining access to your boobs.Cleaning your apartment
Some women go a little nuts making sure the apartment is just so, in case the evening goes extremely well and the man comes over for a nightcap. Or to have sex, if you’re from the Earth, where no one has ever had a nightcap.
Let me tell you something. They did a study at Cambridge University to explore this very question. Should the first date move back to the lady’s apartment at the close of the evening, what effect does the relative level of cleanliness have on the man’s feelings for the woman? Their findings were very interesting. Apparently, it is impossible to notice clutter while thinking the word, “Yippeeee!!!!”*
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, if you DO offer him a “nightcap” — actually using that word — you might want to spruce the place up a little bit. He’s probably going to be poking around a little just to see if you’re a visitor from another century, or if you’re a serial killer or something. He’ll still come up, of course. We’re not above having sex with someone who scares the shit out of us, believe me.
Basically, all I’m saying is this — We aren’t looking for you to be on your best behavior, you know? Of course you’re going to freak out about all of this anyway — it’s a first date. I’m just saying that it’s all going to be a very easy “pass/fail” in that a victory in the “manicure” department simply means that we didn’t notice it. If we do notice it, it’s NOT going to be because something went so right, you know?
And as a last resort — if you’re getting the sense that he’s noticing something that went wrong in one of the above areas? Find a way to remind him that he might be headed toward sex at some point in your future. He’ll even share that wings special with you, I promise.
Any first date manslations requests out there? Anybody wondering about anything? At all? Hello? Well, if you have anything you need to know, feel free to leave a comment
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