Friends Without Benefits but With an Asterisk
Beth’s got a male “friend” with whom she cuddles, trades back massages, gives 5 minute hugs, and stuff like this…but no snoggery-do, if I may be so crude. Then there seemed to be a moment where it was maybe gonna happen…and boom. He pulls back before they can even get started. What gives? We’ll throw the Socratic Method at this thing so hard our metaphorical shoulder will come out of the socket.
Jeff, your insight is amazing and your advice is applicable in so many situations. Thanks for taking the time to shed some light for all of us females on your confusing gender.
Ha — MY confusing gender. Right. We’re the confusing one…
So, anyways, my question isn’t so much a “What should I do question” and I don’t really even plan on following up this event or pursuing this guy in any way, but I would really like some insight on what is going on in his head….so, I guess what I’m trying to say is, there’s no hurry.
I have been friends with this guy, we’ll call him Bob, since freshman year of high school and I’m about to enter my sophomore year of college, so we’ve known each other for quite a while.
I initially met Bob through my boyfriend at the time who I dated for all of high school and most of freshman year of college, so we were always very strictly just friends. Me and Bob have always had a weird friendship though, even when I was in a relationship, it was perfectly acceptable for him whenever I saw him, to give me one of those movie style run, jump, and catch mid-air hugs with the spinning and whatnot, that was just me and Bob’s style.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: Don’t try to do it in actual slo-mo in real life. You can really hurt yourself. Or become very embarrassed. Or more likely both.)
So fast forward,
Again…definitely don’t try to do THAT in real life. Just can’t stress that enough.
I come back home for Christmas, rather broken having just broken up with the boyfriend and Bob pretty much put me back together, was there to talk and to just hold me.
Summer came and he was taking classes out of town so we didn’t hang out till the last month of summer. Whenever we would hang out we’d still stick to our odd physical things, five minute hugs, back massages that might be considered intimate had it been someone else, nothing ever happened. Until yesterday.
Five minute hugs? The ol’ back massage? Um…well, there’s definitely some activity in the muscles of one of my eyebrows. It wants to just raise itself right on up at that.
He called me and asked if I wanted to hang out before I left town, so I went over to his house to hang out. It was just me and him but that is also very normal. We listened to music and cuddled, also relatively normal, he gave me a back massage, also not really all that out of the ordinary.
Ok, the eyebrow just couldn’t stay in, “Nothing out of the ordinary” position on that. Cuddling to music…? I dunno.
Then, the cuddling turned into something more of an entangled bodies thing, but still there was really no inappropriate contact, no kissing or whatnot, but I did umm…notice, that something was going on down there.
And I see that it’s not only the eyebrow that’s having trouble keeping the safety on. Gotcha.
At some point during this, my hand holding his ended up on his lips and I was pretty sure where things were gonna go next, but then he got spooked or something and got up. The rest of the time afterwards wasn’t awkward though, there was still minimal cuddling and hugs and whatnot, strictly normal.
So….my question is what the hell was going through his head. I wouldn’t have minded if something had happened and was letting him know that I was willing to go through with what he was starting but he didn’t follow through.
There is no possibility for a relationship because we live 3 hours apart during the school year and are both moving in 3-4 days, and the only thing I can think of that might have stopped him was some sense of nobility or something.
Dear Beth,
Well, there’s potentially a couple of things to look at here. First of all, there’s the, ahem, physical evidence, and then there’s all the other stuff — the cuddling, the massages, and so on. And these are NOT as related as you might think. Here’s what I mean.
EXCUSE ME, I BEG YOUR HARD ON!
Let’s get this out of the way. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything about his interest level. No seriously. It really doesn’t. This happens all on it’s own, and could happen at any time. The area in charge of when that thing engages? Yeah, it’s not really about “appropriate” or “related to reality.” Hell, sometimes he’s just responding to being relaxed. Or on a moving train. Or for a young guy like this, I don’t know, being near “air.” Any of these things can set it off.
Now, I’m not saying he was NOT turned on by getting close to you. But it might have had zero to do with his intentions in that direction.
Now, that said, what he did about the situation DOES tell us something. We’ll get there in a sec.
CUDDLES, MASSAGES AND HUGS, OH MY!
This stuff is usually what I would call “foot in the door” sort of behavior. And women do it just as often as men. I have a friend who grew up with someone she had nicknamed “Backrub Brenda” for her infamy in using the ol’ rubdown as a springboard into lovin’. We all do it. Gender equality, folks. It’s a scientific fact.
Interestingly, however, your guy is clearly NOT using it in that way. And given the fact that you were flagging him in for a nookie landing and he gave you the old, “No, no. It’s no good. Talk to me, Goose,” it leaves us with another clue.
DOING THE DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS
On House MD, my favorite show, they do a “differential diagnosis” list all of the symptoms and then figure out what fits ALL of them. So, here goes:
- The frolicking run-n-hug
- Other “five minute hugs”
- Back Massages
- Cuddling to music
- When the sex-o-meter went UP, the cuddling went POOF.
So, if I take all of these “symptoms” I can only think of a couple of possible scenarios that fit.
- He’s interested, but thinks you are NOT: Is it possible that he has no idea that you were receptive? It’s possible that this guy is kind of shy, you’re his long term crush-of-some-kind and he was afraid to press the issue because he didn’t know whether or not you’d reject him? Possible.
- He’s interested, but thinks it’s a bad idea: It’s possible that he has some kind of a, “No, I don’t want to screw up this friendship with some weird, casual messing around,” thing. I felt that way a couple of times as a young guy. You think you’re being super mature when you think this, by the way. (In fairness, years later I almost always regretted not just going for it and dealing with the aftermath, but whattayagonnado?)
- He’s gay: He might enjoy all of the affectionate stuff but in a very non-sexual way. And then when he felt his body reacting — which, again, in a young guy? Totally possible, and not indicative of anything about YOU per se — he pulled the plug to avoid getting into further awkwardness.
DIAGNOSIS? INSUFFICIENT DATA
We still aren’t sure. Given all the info, those are the options that I see. Without more info, it’s hard to nail it down, since they all fit. What does House do in those situations? He’ll treat for the most treatable one, and if it works, great. If not, that’s another clue.
In this case, I’d consider treating for option #1. If you can be clearer with him that you’re game and it’s #1, problem solved. If it’s option #2 he will likely be tempted but try to stop himself still. And if it’s #3, well, you’re likely in for some very new information about your pal.
Good luck, Beth!
What’s your diagnosis, ladies? And treatment options?
If you liked that, you might also like to browse Russian cities personals from the following cities
Комментарии
Отправить комментарий