He Has Fantasies About Other Women…Is It Normal?
This is one of the first areas misunderstanding about men that I ever heard from women. What if he fantasizes about other women? Is it normal?
Sadly, the answer is “yes” and it’s probably a little bit worse than you think. But it’s also much, much better. Let me see if I can ’splain this one.
Tina writes:
if your partner has “fantasies” of other women (celebrity, past girlfriends, women in passing, magazines, etc…) while making love to “the” woman he loves so very much…..is this “normal” male behavior, or is society teaching us women that we are to accept this, or our we insecure, or ?????Should we feel like our partner is being unfaithful ?I have searched the web and have not found an answer that seems to inform in a direct manner. Perhaps you can give some helpful insite and advise
Dear Tina,
You have stumbled across one of those areas in which, from what I can tell, men and women behave ENTIRELY differently. I’m not sure why we do. There could be some biology in there. Could be society. Unfortunately, you did not write to a “scientist” or a “person who is willing to do research, even for five minutes” so we’re not likely to get the actual reasons. But I can tell you what’s going on.
THE MALE SEXUAL FANTASY or “Ugh, you talk to your mother with that brain??”
Ok, first the bad news. All men fantasize about all women, almost all day long. We just do. It’s not a conscious process. It’s not a considered, calculated, or planned behavior, and it’s never based upon a decision (”Hm. I think I’ll picture her naked.”) We’re not in charge of what the projectionist throws up there on the screen. And sometimes is going to be…not you. In fact, in terms of time spent per person, it will MOSTLY not be you.
Is it normal? It’s more than normal. It is a constant function of the male brain. And all men. If your man does not have sexual fantasies about other women, it’s because there’s been an accident, and in a couple of minutes a doctor is going to come out and talk to you about pulling the plug.
Now for the good news. Male sexual fantasies are meaningless. No, read it again. Meaningless. I guess what I mean when I say “meaningless” is that they are “impersonal.” And this seems to be the part that confuses the genders about each other. For you ladies, it seems that sexual fantasies are often more personal, they have more “content” to them, more story. They actually make sense. For us, it’s…pretty basic. And if it was on TV, it would probably be horrifying. But it doesn’t mean anything to us. To consider that a man is being unfaithful because his brain has other women in it would be like putting someone on suicide-watch because they cried at the end of a sad movie.
HE’S NOT DOING WHAT YOU THINK HE’S DOING
That’s the important thing to realize here. When a man is “having a fantasy” about some celebrity, DO NOT assume that it’s even remotely related to any fantasy that you have ever had about anyone. They are not the same. They’re not even similar. In fact, it’s astonishing that the word “fantasy” even covers both things under one definition. I’m not saying that one is more intense than the other, or that one is better, worse, or whatever. I’m saying that, from all that I am told, they are different.
What’s going on in the male brain during sex? Yeah…better you just never find out, ok? Seriously, it’s crazy up there. A fantasy during sex doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with him wishing he was WITH that woman. It’s just that his brain is going buck wild up there.
And the male definition of fidelity is different from yours, I’d imagine.
WHAT DOES A MAN MEAN BY BEING “FAITHFUL”?
Well, I’ll tell you what it does NOT mean: it doesn’t mean that he’ll never think about having sex with another woman for the rest of his life. No, no, no. What it means is that in spite of the fact that his body forces his brain to show him dirty movies all day long, featuring every woman ever — regardless of all that INVOLUNTARY stuff, he chooses to be with you. Fantasies, for men, are not by choice. Fidelity is.
These fantasies can not hurt you. They tell you NOTHING about this man’s commitment to you. Any man who you have EVER met does this. Cheaters and non-cheaters. The Pope (I’m guessing.) Everybody. All men have these thoughts. They are irrational and as involuntary as sneezing. If a man is going to cheat on you, it’s got nothing to do with this stuff. And if he doesn’t cheat on you, it’s not because he didn’t have these thoughts. Two separate things entirely.
DO YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS?
Not at all. Oh wait — do you want to date men? Oh…well then yeah, kinda. You’re going to have to accept it. And by “accept it” I mean that you are never going to find a man who doesn’t fantasize. Now, that said, you do NOT have to accept him telling you about it. What kind of a moron tells you about this kind of thing? This is one of those areas where a little denial goes a long way. If you know that your man fantasizes about these specific women (ex girlfriends, for example) um….why would he tell you that? He messed up a little, is why. These little moron movies are his business, and since they don’t mean anything, they should REMAIN his business. And you are WELL within your rights as a woman to say, “Hey, listen, whatever happens inside your warped little mind is your business, ok? I’m not crazy about the idea, but I can’t fight biology. But if I ever, ever actually HEAR about it again, oh boy, are you in big friggin’ trouble. In your brain, sure, anything goes. Out here, it’s all about ME, please, ok?”
Good luck, Tina. I know this is a tough one for women to accept. But if you can really take in the idea that even though this is totally unfamiliar and strange to you, it really isn’t a knock to you. It’s just the male brain doing its thing, and probably being far more disgusting than you’re picturing even now after I’ve told you all of this.
What do you say, ladies? Ever met a man who didn’t fantasize about other women? And did you ever get around to buying that bridge he was selling?
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