She Wants Her Ex…For Lack of Anything Better
She dated him for about 3 magical months, then they both just gave up on the whole thing. Now they have this somewhat sub-optimal system where they regularly ignore each other in public. (Score!) But Carla has been wondering if it would be possible to start again. I guess the whole “ignoring each other” thing is just hot-hot-hot, eh? They see (and ignore) each other all the time, but she doesn’t have the guts to talk to him. What to do? Let’s get specific, shall we?
Dear Jeff,
I dated a guy some time ago and it was really amazing, magic and all. We broke up after three wonderful months on not very good terms, that is, he stopped calling and when he finally did I did not answer his calls and that was about it.
We met by chance a couple of times after that and did not acknowledge each other’s presence.
But I am sure that he noticed me and vice versa.
But I am sure that he noticed me and vice versa.
Well, some four months have elapsed and now - mainly due to an absolute lack of any interesting man aroud - I’ve been musing if it would be possible to start again with this guy.
Problem is I don’t have the guts to call him. However, since I keep bumping into him at a bar we both usually go, I believe I could do something about it. Problem number two is that I don’t have the guts to talk to him face to face, just like that.
Would you have any suggestions or hints to give?
Thank you in advance for your always welcome wise words.
Yours sincerely,
Carla
Dear Carla,
You know, I do have a suggestion AND a hint. The suggestion is this: don’t. And the hint is: Pssst! You basically just told me that if there was ANYBODY else interesting around, you probably wouldn’t be bothering.
Not a great start. And here’s why:
IMAGINE 100% HONESTY
Ok, I know that no relationship has 100% honesty. For some stuff, it’s not necessary. (Like when I ate that entire box of Lucky Charms last week when Liz was out of town. That’s private, and nobody needs to know about it.) However, being able to tell your special someone what draws you to them is, well, one of those good things to be able to share. First of all, boy does it ever WORK. I mean, who doesn’t like hearing that kind of thing, right? Secondly, though, it’s one of those things that, if the relationship is a good one, should be easy to tell.
Now, picture YOUR situation. Would you want him to read the email you sent me, as written? I’m thinking of this section:
…mainly due to an absolute lack of any interesting man around - I’ve been musing if it would be possible to start again with this guy….
Not exactly something that Juliet would say about Romeo, eh? (Then again, neither of you is likely to poison themselves or pretend to be dead or anything, so I guess it’s sort of a wash.)
And for the sake of argument, let’s assume that he feels the same way, given that he’s spending the exact same amount of “in the same room ignoring each other” time as you. Sound like your dream situation? Yeah, not really.
ANY PORT IN A STORM?
Hey look, if you don’t mind the fact that you’re attempting to date a guy who a.) blew you off once, and b.) continues to do so on a regular basis, have at him. And I’m not even totally kidding. I mean, obviously this doesn’t sound like an ideal situation, but maybe you’re not really in the market for an ideal situation. If you’re just looking for some dude to kill time with, knowing full well that it’s not likely to go anywhere serious, then here’s what I suggest, the next time you’re at the same spot. (I’m picturing a bar called T.G.I.Ignores, if you want to know.)
- Make contact: Anything, so long as you’re both aware it happened. Nothing major. You don’t have to stroll up and start talking (though that would work well too.) Just make it KNOWN that you see him, that you recognize that he’s there, and that you like that he’s there.
- Flirty-flirty: Give him a chance to reveal his intentions here. Smile at him. Let him catch you smiling at him, and don’t turn away too-too quickly. The idea here, again, is to send out the message, “I see you, I like seeing you, I would not, say, stab you in the neck with an olive fork if you were to come over here.” Oh and definitely don’t stab him if he does come over. Bad start. (Though I’ve heard worse…)
- Let him lead from there: See where he goes. If he can’t pull it together to come over and talk after you give him that kind of an opening — given that the two of you have an actual history together — then there’s not much more to say.
Good luck, Carla. Honestly, I’d suggest holding out for someone that you’d actually “want to date” no matter how many interesting men were around. But if you MUST settle for this “most interesting in a sea of uninterestingness” man, give him the nod to move in, and see where it goes.
How can she bridge the gap, ladies? Should she bother? What would YOU do?
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