Spotting Abusive Men in Non-Abusive Sheep’s Clothing
So, you think you’ve got a real prince, but then he turns out to be the same old abusive, manipulative jackass that you’ve been trying to avoid. You’ve even tried to use the 2 Big Manslations Questions, but the jackasses and their jackassery seem to be defying logic on even those. (Heavy on the “seem” — more about that after the details…) So how can you spot ‘em when they’re pretending they’re nice? Tasha, I’m-a tell you.
Dear Jeff,
Here I am with a little complicated manslations question for you. i come from a family with a long history of abuse (my mother was brutally abused by my father and come to think of it most females in my immediate family environment have managed to land real “gems” as husbands). A expected, my sister and I grew up thinking this is the norm and had one destructive relationship after the other. Up until last year when I finally came to my senses (at 28) and decided that dating manipulative, abusive, ego-maniacs is only good for horror films!
Actually, they seem to do pretty well in politics as well. But seriously, good for you for putting the moratorium on douchebaggery. Always a great place to start.
So, I took a “year off” dating to sort myself out and get some perspective. I’ve read extensively (I didnt even know what an emotionally healthy relationship IS so please dont laugh) and started therapy. Now, for the past six months, I meet men that seem to be great and actually stable and nothing like the ones I used to date. They seem interested, kind and emotionally available etc. They are even willing to wait and not to push for sex immediately.
Ok, sounds good so far, like your plan is aaalllllll coming together (tents fingers menacingly.)
But as it turns out they are the same aforementioned pricks in the proverbial “sheep’s clothing”. I appear to have changed “categories” only to find myself dating the same angry and abusive men but with just better manipulation skills.
Ah, crap. They built a better mousetrap on you. No worries, I think we’ve got this one.
Thankfully, I am now in a position to protect myself better by being very careful not only to their words but their actions too and I have so far managed to avoid getting seriously involved with any of them. But it still hurts because lets face it disappointment is disappointment. I still cant distinguish between the good ones and the “bad”.
So my question to you is of a practical nature. I know that it is impossible for you to speak for all men. But you know these guys (the ones that play the “good” guy role) better than I ever will. Do you have any pointers as to how I could perhaps find out sooner if they are just trying to appear nice? I know you’ve mentioned before the two rules a) will their behaviour get them laid and b) wil it integrate me more into their lives. However it somewhat doesnt work with these guys. Because they often seem to integrate me into their lives but its not for real (or I have limited access to their lives but because I dont know them and what their lives actually are I fall for it and think “great this guy is for real”)
Thank you
Tasha
Dear Tasha,
Ok, here’s the deal with the 2 Big Manslations Questions. Question one (Might he think this behavior is going to get him laid?) is a fairly easy one to spot. And not so easy to fake. And frankly, why would he bother? What’s the upside of you THINKING he wants to do you when in fact…uhhh…he really just wants to use your shower afterwards? Yeah, I’m stumped on that one.
Now, question two (might he think this behavior is going to integrate you further into his life?) is a slightly different animal. Some of these abusive, manipulative, controlling freakos that you’re talking about might find it to be to their advantage that you THINK they want this, so that they can reel you in. Once you’re in, I guess they figure you’ll have to STAY in.
FIRST, A LITTLE HIS&HERSTORY
I happen to have a family member who went in for this very type of douche. He was super-duper romantical, charming, funny, fun. Right up until they were married. And then all the cruel, infantile control-freakery began in earnest. Literally nothing in his pre-wedding behavior seemed to prepare her for this.
But it’s that “seemed” part. It only seemed like he had done a 180. After a few years she was able to pull herself out of his web of abuse, belittlement, cruelty, and immature ridiculousness. And I’m sure she wonders, “Is there any way I could have learned that lesson, like, BEFORE that whole ‘horrible marriage‘ part?”
In fact, I believe that there ARE signs. And I think it’s all about a deeper reading of Question #2
THE TRICK IS, YOU GOTTA APPLY ALL THE WORDS
I’ll sorta emphasize the one I’m talking about, thusly:
QUESTION #2: Might he think that this behavior will integrate YOU further into his life?
That would have been the sign in the case I’m talking about. Maybe in your situation as well. See, what the guy I’m talking about wanted was to integrate HIS VERSION of her into his weird, abusive life. It was buried under all the charm and the romance, but it was there. His interest wasn’t in what she wanted, what her dreams were, how she wanted her life to be, or anything about “her” really. His interest was in GETTING her. By any means necessary. And then in making her be/do whatever he wanted.
VERDICT: DOES HE WANT YOU, OR DOES HE JUST WANT TO “GET” YOU?
So that’s my feeling here. You’re SO on the right track, Tasha. You know what you will no longer accept. What I think you might want to do NOW is to get a little more in tune with what you DO want. And then, further, see how the men in your life relate to that. Are they interested in that, encouraging of that, etc.? Or do they just seem to be caught up in “getting” you, saying what they think you want to hear?
See, manipulation isn’t only during the abusive parts. A manipulator does that because it’s all he knows. So even when he’s charming you, he’s manipulating you. Even when he’s romancing you, he’s manipulating you. It might feel good, but it’s still manipulation. And if he’ll do it when he’s being nice, he’ll do it when he’s not.
Good luck, Tasha. Keep the faith, sounds like your 90% of the way to a douche-free dating experience!
What’s your secret to spotting the abusers, pre-abuse, ladies? Any words of wisdom from the trenches? Do any of you even date in actual trenches anymore? Discuss.
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