The Case of the Spontaneously Exploding Man
What happens when your man suddenly “explodes” for seemingly insignificant things? Tess wants to know what this is, and why it keeps happening. Let’s find out what she’s working with, if and when it will stop, if it is serious, not serious, medium serious, or just over easy serious.
Hi Jeff!
Been reading you for a while and I thought I’d give it a try! I’ve been dating this guy for almost 7 months, which is not an awful lot, but we do see each other every day. Since we started going out everything has been going almost great. He is attentive, he calls me, we go out a lot, he supports me when I’m down and we’re really close.
Huzzah! All is well! I’m sure all that pink text below is just more talk about how awesome things are!
However, as you might have noticed I said “almost”.
Ah, dirt.
Well, usually he is very easygoing, but sometimes he “explodes” for the smallest things: once, after not speaking to me for a day, he texted me in the middle of the night (it was 4 in the morning) to tell me he didn’t want to see me again because I didn’t like to go out at night. several days later he came to apologise and said he was stupid. I figured everyone needs a second chance so I forgave him.
O…kayyy…
Everything was fine for some time, and then 5 months later (this was last week) he went on vacation with a friend for several days abroad. We usually call each other every day, but since he was in another country we tried to keep it short. So the first day he was away I called him in the evening and after a couple of minutes I tell him we should hang up so we could speak the next day. He got REALLY mad for that and didn’t speak to me in the next five days. I texted him saying I was really worried in case he had an accident or something like that, but still he wouldn’t call nor take my calls.
Finally, the fifth day he texted saying he was sorry and that I was the girl of his life. We finally got to talk on the phone and he said he regretted not calling me, but that he was really mad that I told him we needed to hang up, and that after two days, when he was fine again, he couldn’t bear to call me. In his own words “he was ashamed of talking to me”.
Ok, this last part makes some sense. When someone has behaved badly and they KNOW they have, sometimes you see them kind of avoid the scene of the crime, tiptoeing around for as long as they can. I guess the hope is that the aftermath — carnage, awkwardness, awful voicemail messages, hurt feelings and what have you — will all just disappear auto-magically.
MANSLATOR’S NOTE: This method usually works about as well as when a 3 year old covers his eyes so that you can’t see him. (i.e. something less than fantastico. Probably closer to el stinko. That’s Spanish, folks. I’m almost sure of it)
He says he loves me, and usually it seems like he does, but these two times, he has treated me pretty bad. So, what’s up with that? How can it be that you love someone, but still manage to break up with them (apparently “unintended”) and not speak to them for five days for the stupidest thing????
Thanks so much and congratulations for your wedding!!!
PS: I apologize for any grammar/spelling errors, I’m not a native english speaker.
Dear Tess,
First of all, my compliments on your English — had you not told me you weren’t a native speaker, I would seriously never have guessed!
Ok, so clearly it sounds like your guy has anger issues that embarrass him, right? As in, he spontaneously wigs out, and then takes a little while to scrape together the self esteem to come back and apologize for whatever he said or did. And when he does, all of the, “I’m sorry, you’re my girl, I didn’t mean it,” is just…well, what I think it really means is, “Please don’t hold me responsible for that bad behavior, let’s pretend that I never did that.”
HOWLING AT THE MOON
In other words, what we’re looking at here is the Werewolf, right? By day, he’s just as sweet as gooseberry pie (or insert a sweet dessert from your native land there if you so desire) but then, in the light of the full moon, he transforms into something…else. Something he can’t seem to control very well. And it’s a total poopstorm.
But then, once all that fur retreats back inward, the claws turn back into fingernails, and the ears and snout go back down to sub-ridiculous levels, he’s lying there on the floor of his room, covered in mud and twigs, and what the hell happened?
MANSLATOR’S NOTE: We also would accept the Incredible Hulk metaphor, but in that situation he’d return to consciousness wearing tattered purple pants which, miraculously, were still able to cover his swimsuit areas during the Hulkishness. Carry on.
The difference here is that, unlike the wolfman/Hulk, he knows that he was responsible for this. He knows that he did something inappropriate. But he’s hoping that you’ll think, “Well, that wasn’t him. That was the Hulk who dumped me.” Which is only kind of true. And it raises the question:
ER…HOW’S THAT SIT WITH YOU?
Well, that’s not totally ok with you, obviously. I mean, nobody wants to be in a relationship where someone can just threaten to break it off based on some weird moment of passion. Some people (and I’m not suggesting your guy is like this) build their whole career around the idea of, “Hey, I’m a passionate person!” Which manslates to, “Hey, I’m about to be a weapons-grade douchebag to you, and afterwards tell you that you had been warned.”
The point is that you seem unsure if you can trust him after this. And if you can’t trust someone, well, you can’t trust them. That’s science right there, everybody.
So, what can you do?
CALM, COOL, COLLECTED, AND COMMUNICATIVE
I think you might want to have a very calm conversation about it. As in, in a calm moment, when there’s nothing major going on. The idea here is to give him a chance to explain this when he’s not in one of “those moods.” Let him know that you’re not attacking him or anything, but that this specific behavior (and refer to specific moments) hurts you, freaks you out, and doesn’t work for you,.
And most importantly, let him know that you need to come to an understanding about it. The point is that you need to understand what this is — BOTH of you — or else how can you two be able to truly be together?
I think the key is NOT to make it You vs. This Behavior. What you want is for it to be You AND Him vs. This Behavior That Comes Between You. The point is that you two want to get closer together. If he feels like you’re both on the same team, it will be easier to start to talk about this.
And if he’s not willing to even address this — even though he must realize that you NEED to know what this is — well, he might not be ready for a real relationship, you know?
Good luck, Tess!
Ladies, ever had a spontaneously combustible sweet thing? How did you address it?
If you liked that and looking for casual encounters, you might also like to visit...
Комментарии
Отправить комментарий