Meeting the Exes
Dear Loveawake,
I met a guy online and we talked for months over the phone. I asked all sorts of questions and believed he was answering each one of them honestly. After traveling to his hometown to meet in person, we agreed he would come live with me. A month after moving in, he still hadn’t found a job and my son discovered he had been emailing another woman. He also said he had two grown daughters, but I eventually learned he has five children, with the youngest being five years old. I told him to leave even though he said we were soulmates and that he wanted us to get married next year. He has been gone for almost a week now, and I truly miss him. We both agreed not to call it quits yet. But he needs time to get his life in order. Do you think I acted too hastily in asking him to move out?
Dear Linda,
In a word: No!
In a sentence: Asking this man to move out was absolutely the right
decision.
To be honest, I think the real question here is: Why are you staying with this
guy in the first place? It sounds as if he has a problem with compulsive lying.
Consider this: He has already lied to you about his life, and he may also have
been pursuing a romantic relationship with another woman while he was under
your roof. That's not exactly loving behavior.
You need to think about what it is you
love about this man. Is it because he is supportive? The conversations you
have? Is there something special about this particular man, or does he have
traits you might find attractive in anyone? If you originally fell in love with
him because of his words and stories, you need to take into consideration that
he was probably lying from the beginning. Are you willing to seek out a new
companion who might be able to fulfill these needs? Don’t you deserve a
“soulmate? who loves you enough to be honest?
If, at the end of this introspection,
you still feel deeply drawn to him, do your homework. Compulsive lying is often
the symptom of a bigger issue. There are strategies you can learn to deal with
this situation. I also suggest you ask him to see a therapist, or go together.
If he isn’t willing to consider this option, you might want to take that as
a real sign of his commitment to your relationship.
Regardless, please slow down this relationship.
If you are really soulmates, he should understand your desire not to rush into
marriage. You deserve to have an honest, loving person in your life. If this
guy can’t be that now, who’s to say he’ll change once you’re
married?
Dear Loveawake,
When I met my girlfriend, I very much wanted a family of my own. I'm certain those feelings caused me to rush into a relationship with a woman who already has four kids with her ex-husband. Our relationship progressed quickly: We met on a Monday, slept together on Wednesday, said ‘I love you’ on Friday, and moved in together three weeks later. We had a baby girl within a year and we’re now expecting another child. In the midst of all this, I realized my girlfriend is not the person I thought she was, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with her. What do I do now?
- Mark D.
Simply put, you have two options: You
can either leave your girlfriend, or you can stay with her. The
complicating factors, of course, are your children. They are truly innocent
bystanders in this situation, and you need to keep their well-being in mind.
Raising kids as a single parent or with a shared-custody agreement can be
stressful for parents and children. However, being brought up in a household
full of anger and resentment is also not good for kids. You’re in a tight spot
and need to tread carefully to avoid even more trouble.
Before you rush into any more decisions, I would highly recommend couples
counseling. Sitting down and talking through your current problems may help you
rediscover the lost romance or at least smooth things down the road if you end
up separating.
I would also highly recommend you journal about the various factors involved in
this decision. Ask yourself these questions:
- · Why do I want to leave? Is it cold feet? Or has she really changed?
- ·
Is there something I can do to make this
situation better?
- ·
What need was I trying to fill by
getting into this relationship?
- ·
If my girlfriend and I do separate, do I
want custody of my children?
- ·
How can I keep my children happy and
safe and ensure that they are well cared for?
Although the other questions are
important, the answer to the last one is probably the most vital. Regardless of
the course your romantic relationship takes, you need to make sure your
children can have the best life possible. You decided to bring more lives into
the world – now you must ensure that those lives are the best they can be.
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