Do Men Get Heartbroken?
This one took me by surprise. I mean, look, I am well aware that we men are a little confusing. But I had no idea THIS was even a question. A reader named Connie wants to know if men ever get heartbroken, cuz she’s never seen it happen. Well, I’m here to tell you that she might not be seeing what she thinks she’s seeing.
Connie writes:
Do men ever get a real “broken heart” like women do at the end of a relationship? I mean do they ever really feel a sense of loss or really miss or grieve the other person? And if they do what does it feel like, how long does it last and how does it manifest itself? I ask this because I’ve never seen men suffer like women do, they just go out and get laid or drunk or both and seem not to care about losing that person. This happens even if THEY were the ones that said they were in love and wanted to marry that person. Also, do they feel a sense of loss for the woman if they cheated on her which actually caused the relationship to end? Particularily if they continue to still say they love them, continue to call them every couple mths, but don’t seem to want more. Why do they do this? What are they feeling? Why do they bother?
Dear Connie,
Excellent questions, and I’ll take them one by one:
DO MEN EVER GET A REAL “BROKEN HEART”
Oh yes. Absolutely, without pausing for thought. Every guy I know has been completely devastated at LEAST one time, if not many. Missing the person, grieving, etc? Yes, yes, yes.
WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
Probably exactly how you might expect. I (or guys I’ve known) have felt:
- Crushed
- Embarrassed
- Weak
- Like I can’t get out of bed
- Like I’m going to go nuts
- Like I’ll die alone by choking on a TV dinner of salisbury steak (which, hey, there are worse ways to go. I mean…I guess it depends on which dessert came with it.)
You know — depressed, miserable, car-battery-hooked-up-to-the-genitals-in-a-Turkish-prison sort of feelings.
(MANSLATOR’S NOTE: I have never been to a Turkish prison. But I know I wouldn’t do well in a prison of any sort. Well, except those ones where they send people like Martha Stewart. A minimum security prison for rich women? There, I’d probably do fine. You know, if I made some powerful friends early.)
HOW LONG DOES IT LAST?
36 days. No, not really. I have no idea.
I’ve wondered about this one myself, given my specific situation. I started my current relationship only 2 months after my last one ended. An 8 and a half YEAR relationship. Now, was I “over” the last one? Well, I mean, I certainly didn’t want to go back to it. But at the same time, I was still emotionally very, very shaky. I was smack in the middle fo the part where you’re not supposed to be “ready.” But lucky for me, stuff doesn’t happen when you’re supposed to be ready. It just happens.
Honestly, I’ve seen (and BEEN) the guy who hangs onto the idea for WAY too long. I’ve seen guys get over it pretty quickly. It’s just like women in that it’s different for everybody. Even broken-hearted robots are programmed to vary the duration. It’s the natural way.
HOW DOES IT MANIFEST?
Ok, here’s where we get into stuff that might NOT be just the way that women handle it. You mention guys going out, getting laid, getting drunk and not seeming to miss the woman. Well, those are two very different things. Getting drunk/laid and missing her aren’t necessarily related in any way.
So, if you see a guy who was just dumped and he’s out messing around with another woman, that doesn’t mean ANYTHING about his feelings for his ex. Getting drunk and laid are not necessarily emblems of being in perfect emotional health, you know. It could be he’s just trying to keep busy. Could be he’s trying to put on a brave face. Could be that he’s trying to talk himself into being ok with the whole thing. Or it could just be that he’s totally heartbroken and looking for something (i.e. someONE) to do. Not someone to DATE.
What you will NOT necessarily see (in public anyway) is a man dwelling on it. Not for too long, anyway. And not with his “boys.” We don’t talk about that stuff with each other. Some women interpret this as not being in touch with our feelings. Not so. When you’re totally devastated, your guy friends know about it, and they do you the courtesy of not bugging you about it. Your best guy friends know that you don’t want to be poked and prodded about it. You just want them around.
The bottom line is that, for whatever reason, vulnerability is not considered an incredibly acceptable thing for a man to display. But that does NOT mean it’s not happening.
DO MEN FEEL A SENSE OF LOSS IF THEY’RE THE ONE WHO SCREWED IT UP?
Ah. Now, we seem to be getting more into your specific situation, yes? Some do, some don’t. The guy who cheats, but keeps calling, telling you he loves you, etc. I’ve written about this type of resurfacing guy before. This guy likes attention. Specifically, he likes to know that women are thinking about him. So he keeps on calling every once in a while to keep the hope alive that you’re still pining away for him.
Why does he bother? What is he feeling? He’s lonely. For you? Possibly, but not necessarily. Usually it’s that he’s not sure whether or not he exists if someone doesn’t like him. So he keeps checking in, just to make sure he’s still here. It’s sad, but it’s not your problem, you know?
Think about it like this. If you ignore what he says and just look at what he DOES, what do you get? A guy who doesn’t want to be around you, but who contacts you every couple of months. He’s a hanger-on-er. And if it’s not already obvious, I’d stop taking those calls. They’re no good for anybody.
Good luck, Connie! And thanks for such a great question. And now that I’ve written about it, I can see where you might think guys don’t get heartbroken. We’re not so likely to show the world how devastated we are (if we can at all help it. Which…we can’t always do.)
Ladies? Ever seen a man with a broken heart? How did he MAN-ifest it? Oh ho ho! Did you see what I did there?
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