Why Can’t a Dumping Man Leave Well Enough Alone?
Today’s question is about the strange male behavior that many folks saw on “The Bachelor” this season, where the guy kept telling his dump-ees such lovey things that it made you wonder, “Uh…so why are we breaking up, again?” And while it may be confusing to women, I can guarantee you that there was not ONE man watching that show who didn’t know exactly what was going on. Read on, ladies.
Why do men after they have discarded a relationship with you and said they were no longer interested in pursuing anything further with you say something like: “I will always love you. I dream about you all the time. You will always be in my heart and mind”. These are the words my ex actually e-mailed me after the fact. If they STILL have such STRONG feelings for you why are they no longer interested in being with you anymore? This has happened to me several times and I saw it happen on “The Bachelor” the other night.This time on “The Bachelor” it was a first, where the “bachelor” actually rejected ALL of the women. In the final episode entitled “After The Final Rose” the last two women he turned down got a chance to ask him why he didn’t pick them or anyone else. He said it was because he didn’t want to string anyone of them along with feelings that just weren”t there for him. Previously though, he had made a big point to get the last two women to profess THEIR love for him before he rejected them. I guess even that wasn’t enough, he either didn’t believe them or just didn’t care enough for each one to pursue it any further. I appreciated and respected his honesty for not being a fake and stringing these women along when he felt nothing, he refused to even want to just date or see them casually afterwards.That is, until he hugged the last tearful woman goodbye and whispered in her ear, “I will miss you more than you will every know.” She in turn said, “Don’t even say that to me right now!” (Exactly what I would’ve said but with some #$@^%&! added to it)! They would’ve had to bleep me! Why did he have to ruin his honesty with a fake comment? Why do men have to lie and make that their feelings are so strong and grandiose when you KNOW damn well they are not? Is it because they want to look like a good guy while they are rejecting you? Is it because they want you to love THEM anyway while it is clear they do not love or want you? Why do they have to try and continue to give you a surge of hope when you KNOW it is all futile and that its over for them?
Dear Loiralei,
You know what? You nailed it, I believe. You ask, “Is it because they want to look like a good guy while they are rejecting you?”
YES.
That’s exactly what it looked like to me on The Bachelor. (I always watch the last episode because, I friggin’ LOVE it when they kick in with the “Ode to a Girl Who Just Got Rejected” music. Lord help me, I do love it so. Hilarious music cues on that show.)
Anyway, yes, while pretty much everything out of that guy’s mouth seemed to be “I care about you more than blah blah blah,” the real manslation was, “Please don’t dislike me, please don’t hate me, please don’t let me be the bad guy here.”
THE POWER OF CRYING: A MANSLATIONS EXPOSE
As any woman over the age of let’s say 20 or so knows, crying is the checkmate of relationship talk. It’s the one that men can’t handle. Ok…it’s one of the many things that men can’t handle. In fact, now that I say this, I’m trying to think of things that I can handle. Hm. I’m sure I’ll come up with one. Anyway, crying is our Kryptonite, our achilles heel. It’s like you poked Achilles right in the heel with a piece of pointy Kryptonite. It’s pretty bad.
WHY? you ask? I know, I know, it’s not that big of a deal for you. Well, for a guy, crying happens only in an emergency situation. As I’ve said before, we think it’s the kind of emergency that involves an emergency ROOM. Many men go to battle stations.
“Full alert! Stop those tears! Do NOT, repeat do NOT be the guy who caused crying!”
See, for us, we never cry unless there is a big, big problem that needs a solution, like, NOW. So when you’re crying, we go a little nuts.
“She wants us to do something to help. She wants us to say something. What can I do!? What can I say!?”
And we end up saying what that Bachelor guy said about, “I care about you more than you’ll ever know,” or whatever it was. He thinks she wants him to say that. Nevermind the fact that it’s not true, he’s just trying to solve the problem. Sigh. What a doofus.
AN EMBARRASSING TALE FROM THE MANSLATOR’S FILES
What, you don’t keep “files” on the relationship mistakes you make? I’ve got a warehouse.
I was once in…let’s call it the crappiest, most depressing relationship ever. But I couldn’t leave it. Why? Because each time we sailed close to Let’s Not Date Anymore Isle, whoa nelly. She would cry as if I had taken her child and put him/her on the train to a Siberian mining camp. (Manslator’s Note: She didn’t actually HAVE a child, but that’s ok because neither did I have a Siberian mining camp. Or a train. This was all in her head, you understand.)
Now, intellectually I knew that this crying stuff wasn’t all about me. I mean, just because I’m the most wonderful man in the world doesn’t mean that everyone can SEE that about me. And she definitely fell into the, “Yeah, I don’t see that about you,” category. So why all the crazy?
Well, I sure know NOW. The crazy was there because that stuff worked. Let me tell you what, I hauled in the sails, and turned around, back toward the Oh What The Hell It’s Not Like There’s Anyone Else Around Right Now Sea. I caved every time. I chickened out for so long that I actually had to steer us into the Straits of Being Such a Jerk That She Broke Up With Me.
Not proud of it. But at least I lived to tell the tale.
(Manslator’s Note: Some have questioned my geography here. But I was there, man. The horror. The horror.)
THE POINT
The point, my dear chickadees, is this. Some men, sometimes, will do ANYthing to attempt to stop a woman from crying. No, that’s not quite true. He will not do anything, but he will SAY anything. And not in a “standing outside your house with a boombox” kind of “say anything” either. I’m talking all the nonsense on The Bachelor.
This, once again, falls under the heading of the Manslations Golden Rule. Whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, ALWAYS ALWAYS IGNORE WHAT HE SAYS. I know how tempting it must be to want to believe some of this crapola. But if what he’s doing is leaving, I don’t care what he’s saying. (If I’m totally honest, I don’t really care what he’s saying regardless. I mean, I’m not dating him.)
Good Luck, Loiralei! As an Honorary Man, you’ll have to learn this move or we won’t let you into the meetings where we play Xbox and think up new ways to confuse women.
Ladies? Ever had a man say how crazy he was about you even as he dumped you? And what did you throw at him? Was it heavy?
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Need a Manslation? Well…I’m not trying to tell you your business, but…I mean, there’s a page right up there called “Need a Manslation?” Or you could just click HERE.
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