Love or Just Lonely?
She’s moved to a new town, but right before she left she kinda-sorta fell for a guy back home. Aw, crap. Hate it when that happens. And now, she’s trying to figure out if there’s something there, or are they just lonely? Let’s manslate this bad mammajamma, shall we? Can I still say “bad mammajamma” or is there a 3 decade statute of limitations on that one?
Well I will try to make it short. Hooked up and hung out with this guy I knew. We tried to keep it casual and just a fling becuase I was moving very far in a few months, but we ended up developing feelings for each other. We both agreed that we didnt want to get serious, but also had a really great time with each other so there was no point in ending something so fun just because I was moving.
All sounds hunky dory to me, right?
Well…I really really miss him now.
Ah, crap.
I wish more then anything that I just stayed away from him, focused on my move and my friends, and not let myself get too involved with feelings, but it was just too much fun to simply cut off. Since i moved we have talked about how we really like each other and the option of just stopping at the time and both agree it would have been very difficult.
Yeah, that never really works out, does it? How often have you ever thought, “You know, I shouldn’t let myself fall in love right now. Aaaand, there we go. I am NOT in love. Woohoo!” Things have a funny way of, how do you say, “Not giving a crap about your plans,” right?
It seems since I left he has realized that he really does care about me….he has said that he wishes i was just on vacation to figure this out. Both when we were home and recently he will tell me he thinks hes in love with me when hes drunk blah blah.
Hm. In vino veritas, I suppose, but…hm.
All taken with a grain of salt, but definitely something I have thought about. Anyway, we had a great 3-4 months and I moved away but we kept in touch…almost daily. He would text me all the time telling me he really cared about me and how much he missed me….but then again he made it very clear when I was home that although he had feelings for me he was not looking for a relationship….
Ah. “Not looking for a relationship,” can often a euphemism for, “looking for sex that doesn’t come with strings attached.” I mean, unless he’s got a thing for string.
not to mention he is somewhat of a male slut…
And there we go.
but seems to be getting his life together lately…so i have tried to just brush it all off. as time goes on naturally the contact becomes less, you can only tell a person that lives so far away that you miss them so much….but nonetheless they still happen. Now I am here….alone…..and really missing him. I had so so much fun with him and think we could make a good team, but am being realistic with the fact that I am young and living in a new place. I have an open mind and am ready to experience whatever comes my way, but I just cant wonder if I am in love with him/ he with me and its just really bad timing or if it was really just a fling and i need to get it out of my head! You guys think you are so simple…but you aren’t!!
Dear love-or-lonely,
I know, it seems like this is a really complex situation. And of course, it is. And as “The Dude” would say, “This is a…uh…a complicated case, uh, man. You know, a lotta ins, lotta outs…lotta what have yous…” But it really boils down to one thing, and one thing only:
What do YOU want?
From where I’m sitting, that’s what seems unclear to me. Sounds to me like you’re not sure if you want to be with him. You live far away, you’re in a new place, you know how hard a long distance relationship might be, all of it. It sounds to me like you’re conflicted about what you want from him.
Do you want to move on? Do you want to try an LDR? Do you want to move back home and just have an RDR (regular distance relationship)? What’s happening for YOU?
BUT DON’T GET IT MIXED UP
Don’t assign this confusion to him just yet. He might or might not be confused about this. We don’t know. But don’t assume that because you’re conflicted, then he must be too.
But what do you do, then? You’re living in a new town, but you’re still semi, maybe, sorta-kinda attached to this guy back home who:
- says he misses, you, but…
- is a manslut…presumably with, er, not you.
- says he has feelings, but…
- doesn’t want a relationship.
Too many conflicting things there to go by his words. You need ACTION to read him right. How to get it?
VERDICT-WALK AWAY…FOR NOW
I’m not the guy who tells you to “let him chase you” so that’s not what I’m saying. That kind of thing doesn’t “convince” a guy to be with you, unless he thinks of you as prey. I’m not saying that you have to be mean to him, or even address this directly at all. Just don’t initiate contact for a while, and see what happens. This has a couple of benefits:
- You get to live your life: As you say, you’re young, you’re in a new place. Commit to that for now.
- It will reveal the truth: About you and about him. If you absolutely refuse to walk away, well, then you know you’ve got to do something about it. If he won’t LET you just walk away, then you know that HE wants to do something about it. If he loves you, believe me, he’s not going to forget about you. Heh, not even close. And if he does forget, well, then you have your answer.
And remember — manslating is all about ACTIONS. And in an LDR, it’s easy to get caught up in the fact that due to the whole space-time continuum and the “not being in 2 places at once” thing, you’re mostly going to be seeing his WORDS.
Fight the urge to dissect what he says, and focus on what he DOES. Does he initiate contact? Is he trying to keep your relationship going? Not just talking, what is he DOING about this stuff? That’s what will tell the tale here.
Good luck, love or lonely. I say live your life, and if this relationship doesn’t let you do that, well, you have your answer.
What’s LorL’s best plan of attack here, ladies?
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