When the Fade isn’t Good Enough For Her
Got a question from Amber about…well, it’s about how to get dumped a little better. She’s tired of these guys — guys with whom she’s spent some significant amount of time — pulling the ol’ Fade on her. Otherwise known as “The ol’ Jeff Mac.” Yes, yes, I used to be a Fader. Or “coward” if you’re into the whole accuracy thing.
Amber knows these relationships are over, but she wants…well, what DOES she want, exactly? Let’s find out…
I was just talking to my BFF Jaime about some dating stuff I can’t figure out and we’re hoping you can help. Here’s the deal: Lately- well, since I moved to LA- I’ve noticed that I go on 4 or 5 dates with a guy and then he goes AWOL. Or fades on me with an “I’ve been sooo busy” brush-off text or something to that effect.
OK, fine, whatever, clearly he’s not into me, that already sucks. Is my only option to sit back and let him totally blow me off? Because that sucks even more. Is there a dignified way to reach out if he’s ignoring me OR brushing me off, a way that communicates I understand he’s not interested but don’t appreciate being blown-off, brushed-off, ignored or whatever?
After one date, I wouldn’t expect this, but I need something-other than crickets- from someone I’ve been out with several times, slept with, introduced to my friends, etc. It’s not enough for me to say, ‘well, his silence IS communication enough, guess he’s not the right one.’
So frustrating, rrrrrr.
Thanks in advance for your response!
http://www.anpm.ro/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/planul-ei-de-valentine-s-day-este-dragut-sau-infiorator-
Dear Amber,
Well, here’s the thing — I don’t know just what you’re looking for from these guys. And I know even less what you’re going to get that’s…you know, satisfying. You know?
But then again, forget that. Doesn’t matter — you want SOMEthing and you’re not getting it.
Ok, here’s what I’d say about going about getting what you want from a Fader:
#1: DEFUSE HIS INITIAL REACTION
That would be: Terror of clinging.
If you contact a guy who’s in fade mode, you’re going to have to overcome the fact that he’s going to be POSITIVE that you’re trying to hang onto him. Why? Because he’s already terrified of that. That’s why he’s fading in the first place, instead of being direct with you, right?
So you’re going to have to defuse that immediate reaction. The way to do this is to be clear and direct, “Listen, I get that you’re pulling back — that’s ok with me. I mean, it blows, but it is what it is. I’m not trying to talk you into staying or whatever. The reason I’m calling/emailing is…”
#2: AN OUNCE OF PREVENTION
Starting out in such a way that the fade just doesn’t fit.
To prevent it from going down this way, I think you can lay some groundwork from the beginning. I often refer to this as “keeping the airlocks open.”
The idea here is that WHATEVER’s going on between you, keep it out in the open. Doesn’t mean that every tiny moment, thought, feeling has to be actually verbalized. There’s a difference between PRIVACY and SECRECY, though.
The point is, just don’t let something turn the two of you into two people hermetically sealed off from one another, each a lonely little veggie in your own weird little tupperware module, thinking, “Hrm…wonder what’s going on in that OTHER container? What is that, are those carrots over there?” It’s not about verbal diarrhea (or any other kind of diarrhea, for that matter). It’s simply about being honest and open about where you’re at, right from the start.
Now, this might actually end things more quickly in some situations. Many situations, actually. I mean, most relationships aren’t the one that’s going to work out. One of those less-than-ideal relationships will react to total openness in the way that, oh, a murderer reacts to a lethal injection. It happens pretty quick.
But at least it’ll be direct, you know?
#3: BE CLEARER THAN YOU THINK YOU NEED TO BE
I’d say that if you don’t know already, you need to figure out exactly what you want from him (other than “more than THIS crap”) and ask him for it.
No, seriously. Ask for it by name. Directly. I swear. If you contact this fading man, and you say, “Listen, we’re not going to see each other, I get that, but here’s the thing — could you just tell me…” Again, I’m not sure what you’re looking for, but that’s where you ask for it.
Maybe it’s just some acknowledgment that the relationship actually OCCURRED, maybe? As in, “I’m not crazy, we used to be dating, right? And then we stopped, yes? Can we, you know, just say that?” Maybe some respect for having shown up? You know, like when two teams shake hands after a brutal game, “Good game. Good game. Good game.” Just some sportsmanship, for god’s sake, people.
I don’t know what it is that you need. But whatever it is, I’d say the more respectful and congenial you can keep it, the better your response will be.
I know, I know, why do you have to be so nice to HIM when he’s the one doing the fade? Well…you don’t have to do anything. But you WANT something from him, so the more you can avoid poking the fear in him that caused him to resort to the Fade in the first place, the better your shot.
OH, AND ALL BREAKUPS UP BITE THE BIG ONE, BY THE WAY
And I’m sorry about that. Especially on behalf of all the Faders in the world. It’s cowardly, and if we were in the same room and you were to start acting like a chicken and saying, “Bwauk! Bwauk! Bwauuuuuuk!” at me in a taunting manner, well, I would have no rebuttal.
And I do know that it’s not too much consolation to think, “Well, he’s not The One then.” All I can tell you is that he’s NEVER going to guess what you’re after unless you tell him. Ever. I mean, you wrote me this email, and I’m not sure myself. You’re going to have to go right for it. Who knows — you might actually make him a better man for the next time he breaks up with someone. Seriously.
Ever gotten more than a Fade from a Fader? How’d you do it?
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