Is Being A Player Really The Only Option?
Many dating coaches say that being a player or pickup artist is the only way to have an abundant dating life. I disagree completely...
The False Dichotomy Of Being A Player
vs. Being A Loser
In
my last post I introduced you to the ideas of “being a player” vs.
“being a loser” as they are presented by many of the leading
dating coaches.
In a nutshell, the
underlying belief of a lot of dating advice is that guys must choose between
becoming a semi-misogynistic player who has an abundant sex life or a sexless
loser who has a healthy lifestyle and makes smart decisions.
Obviously, since I’m
calling it a false dichotomy, this isn’t exactly an idea that I’m too happy
about. Especially considering that for the guys here at DateMasters, we get
much better results (quantity and quality of women) by dropping the player
antics and simply becoming a cool guy with boundaries and standards.
You see, this
particular message has been on our radar for awhile because we’ve found it
subtly embedded with alarming consistency as one of the core beliefs within
many dating advice products and materials. Guys who buy-in to the idea that
they must become a “player” or “pickup artist” in order to have an abundant
dating life then become a victim of their own beliefs. Confirmation bias sets
in and in the guys reality he actually does need to be a semi-misogynistic
player in order to get a date. But this has nothing to do with the reality of
players and losers. It’s completely a result of his worldview, beliefs, actions
and maybe even more importantly, his ignorance of how to escape the false dichotomy.
Guys who take the
player/pickup artist advice seriously tend adopt similar beliefs and develop
very similar problems that they can’t figure out how to escape from. This
happens consistently enough that the guys here at DateMasters can predict and
chart out the problems those guys will develop with startling accuracy long
before they actually happen. Hopefully, we can help you avoid the same pitfalls
and mistakes many guys before you have made.
(Where this messed up
idea came from and what people / companies promote it are another topic we may
delve into some other day.)
“C’mon dude, you
should just be open-minded! Everyone can have their own beliefs!”
That’s correct.
Everyone can have their own beliefs.
I’m simply asking you
to do some research and discover what your options are. Many people I’ve known
who held these beliefs about being a player do it because they didn’t even
realize they had other options.
And
I realize how strong the allure of sexual abundance is. Those guys posit that the only way to reach sexual abundance is to
force yourself to be manipulative, misogynistic and self-destructive (pickup
artists often call it being alpha or being natural).
We
posit that you can also (and in many cases more easily) reach sexual
abundance-along with a lot of other long term benefits-by being a cool, classy,
respectful, upstanding, honest guy and that the choice is yours.
(Although, one could certainly argue that the only reason they don’t choose
this is because they don’t how to do it themselves).
Advice
that follows from this false dichotomy (remember, I said it is embedded within the advice) is installing malware into
guys mind, attitudes and actions that can cause serious damage to a guy if he
doesn’t have the right mindset and values already protecting him.
I’m writing this
series of articles to help protect guys who are smart enough to recognize this
problem and want to avoid the damage it causes…
How Can You Recognize This Form Of
Mental Malware?
Good question. I’m
glad I asked it.
Here are the basics of
the malware belief that many dating coaches are installing in guys (this is
paraphrased directly from the words of one of the heads of one of the largest
dating advice companies in the world).
They tell guys:
1. Being a player will
mess up their life, cause them lots of stress, hurt their career, family and
friends.
2. But that they will
want to do it anyways because “getting laid all the time” makes them feel
“powerful like a god.”
3. But then, sometimes
guys need to go back to being sexually frustrated for a bit in order to get
their life back on track or to calm things down because they know that being a
player is too self-destructive to continue.
4. They say that they
teach guys how to get laid all the time and live a player lifestyle because it
is the most amazing feeling ever, but guys should remember that it’s unhealthy
in the long run.
If you’re paying
attention you’ll see that they are setting up a dichotomy between lots of sex
and being a player vs. no sex and being a normal guy.
They make it feel like
guys have options – sexual fulfillment and a lots of baggage vs. sexually
unfulfilled and a stable life.
A central part of this
destructive belief installation is to make guys feel like being a player is
something that is really desirable, alluring, powerful and exciting while
throwing in bits and pieces of “the player lifestyle is unhealthy” in order to
occupy the rational mind of their students. They occupy your rational mind with
sensible statements (being a player will mess up your life) while overloading
you on an emotional level with a strong urge to become a player.
And if you’re really
paying attention, you can probably even predict the self-destructive loop that
can play out in guys lives (as we’ve witnessed firsthand).
This is a total stinky
pile of B.S.
They tell guys that
the price to pay for dating lots of women is stress and sanity with a whole lot
of drama…
But, ummm, no. That’s
only if guys are doing it wrong.
In
the third and final part of this series I’m going to show you how to approach
your dating life instead of falling into the
“player” trap.
Other
dating coaches (many of them call themselves “pickup” coaches”) don’t teach
guys how enjoy an abundant dating life by being a classy, honest, respectful
guy because they don’t know how.
I do.
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