The Emotionally Unavailable Man — Real or Not?
Interesting question from LoveLife today — is there such a thing as an “emotionally unavailable” man? I know we hear about it all the time, but is there such a beast?
Hi Jeff,Congrats on your book progress!Here’s is a short and sweet inquiry, inspired by a visit to a very popular website based in the UK dealing with emotionally unavailable men: Do you think there is really such a thing as an “emotionally unavailable” man? Isn’t that really just a term developed in our post-feminist culture where women want men to be like women–when that is biologically impossible? Shouldn’t women just let go of the notion of a man who is “in touch with his feelings,” and who is emotionally expressive (verbally, in particular)? I know that all men are different at the individual level, but this is a question about manhood in general.Lovelife
Dear Lovelife,
Such a great one! I’ve thought about this quite a bit. And the answer is a little yes and a little no…
YOU KEEP SAYIN’ THAT WORD…I DO NOT THINK IT MEANS WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS.
So, when you say “emotionally unavailable” what are we talking about, exactly? See, men get nervous with such talk because, I think, of what you mention. This idea that men are considered to be in some way “deficient” because they don’t behave the way that women do, emotionally speaking. (Some women, that is. I’ve certainly met my share of “emotionally unavailable” women as well. And a few who I wish were way more emotionally unavailable…)
But the truth is, for many men, we just don’t get it. And that’s because it’s never defined. What are we even talking about? Emotional availability? What is that? Does it mean:
- …that he cries on cue?
- …that he talks about what he feels about stuff, just because?
- …that he cries while talking about what he feels about stuff?
- …that he shows vulnerability?
Here’s what I’d ask regarding ALL of these — Why? Why should he do any of this? Why does anyone think that he would be happier if he did them? Because I have news for you — he might very well not.
A man who cries? Yeah, not such a big “winner” in our culture. A man who talks about his feelings all day long? That’s annoying to other men (i.e. “Why are we talking about this?”) Showing vulnerability? Again, not such a hit with other dudes. Or women, either.
WHOSE EMOTIONS ARE THEY ANYWAY?
Look, there are plenty of well-meaning people who believe that if a man could talk more about his emotions, he’d be better off. But, and I say this with all due respect, who gives a crap? They’re HIS emotions, right? He gets to do with them whatever he wants. If you want a man who is NOT verbally expressive about his emotions, you are fooling around with forces that are not your biz.
Now, we’re all allowed to decide who we want to spend our time with. And there ARE guys out there who talk about their feelings a whole lot, I’m sure. And if that’s what you want, that’s what you should get. But if you want a guy to express his emotions when he doesn’t WANT to, that’s just being a jerk. Yes, even if you think it would be good for him. Yes, even if you read in a book that your relationship would be better if he did it. As with everything else, you can never, never expect someone to be other than they are. You only get to decide who to be with. You don’t get to decide who he is. What he does is up to him.
I think you’ve got to want to be with someone you want — NOT someone who isn’t what you want…yet. You want to be with someone because you can’t get enough of what they ARE. If you’re with someone because you want him to do something different from that, well, it’s not Barbies. He’s not Ken. He gets to decide what he does.
Besides, you don’t want Ken anyway. Why? No genitals. It’s just smooth down there. Nobody needs that.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Are there emotionally unavailable men? Of course. I don’t care which definition you use, yes, there are men that fit that description. But here’s what I think: The only people who get bent out of shape about this sort of thing are people who have not found the right person yet. When you’re in the right relationship, you don’t want them to do stuff you read in a magazine, right? You just want THEM. You want them to share what THEY want to share. You want to be with THEM. Not some version of them that they could be if only they’d read that book you read.
Thanks for a great question, Lovelife. Here endeth the rant.
What do you think, ladies? Should men become more emotionally available? Or does a man need emotional availability like a fish needs a bicycle?
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