Booty call or relationship trouble?
Dear Guys,
Well I thought I would just sit on this for a few days but now I think I will
ask for your advice.
So about three years ago
I met a guy, and it turned out we had a lot of common friends and have some of
the same interests. We are compatible on so many levels but on others we
aren’t. We had a lot of attraction and finally we ended up hooking up. (We are
both 29.)
It went on for a few
months until he suddenly ended it. (I was moving away for work for four months
and that was known to both parties.) He called me one day and said what we were
doing wasn’t a good idea and that we should just be friends. I tried to
act cool and moved away.
When I moved back I
texted him and he called me and I never called him back. Then we ran into
each at an event four months later. (This was eight months after we ended
whatever we were doing.) It was clear we were still attracted to each other and
started hooking up together again.
He kept asking me to
hang out. I resisted and told him I didn’t want to date. HE wanted to date; he
came over and said it right to my face. I told him i didnt want anything
serious. He has never had a serious girlfriend and I think he might freak out
and end it out of fear of getting too emotional. (He’s not experienced in the
relationship department.) So I told him I just wanted to avoid it. But then he
didn’t want to just hookup with NSA(No Strings Attached).
Over Christmas a friend
of mine asked me about him. I told him we are just friends with a lot of sexual
tension. I texted him that night and told him we have to go for dinner and
catch up soon and that I missed him.
We have remained
friends, just a few texts here and there. If we end up at the same place we
chat, catch up and leave it at that. But there is always an awkward goodbye. So
it went from him ending it to me ending it. I have tried to keep it NSA with
him and I actually would like a relationship like this with him. He is a player
and I know that completely. When he wanted to date me this summer, I told him
he really hurt me the first time he ended it with me, the summer before.
We both lead crazy busy
lives, and to be honest I’m not looking for a intense relationship right now. I
don’t hookup with random guys so in my mind he’s ideal to have a defined NSA
with. Is this even possible?
This weekend he texted
me after a hockey game, telling me to come out with his friends. (The typical
“we are friends come hang out text.”) I told him to have fun and be
safe. He then said you should pick me up. I said, no I
shouldn’t. I think he was really surprised, and he said please come get
me. I asked if he was stranded or was speaking code. It was the latter.
I know we will be at the
same event in the next month. When we are in the same room together it’s unspoken
that we will be together later. I have never been in something like this
before. I don’t understand it. It feels like total dysfunction, but I keep
feeling drawn to him and missing him. I usually just ignore my feelings but the
chemistry is like nothing I have ever had.
If I do contact him when
and what should I say? I just feel like we are always on different pages. I
want the same page. How do I get there?
Dealing with Crazy Guys
Dear Dealing with Crazy Guys,
Thanks for your
question.
On the one hand you say
you just want a NSA relationship with him, and on the other hand you say are
drawn to him, miss him, and have chemistry with him that you haven’t ever had
before. So which is it?
It seems that you’re
really into this guy, but you’re scared he might hurt you again and that’s why
you don’t want to explore it further. (We realize he’s a player.) But from
where we’re sitting it seems like the only reason he broke up with you in the
first place was because you were leaving town. And is it possible that since
you were leaving, neither of you let your guard down enough to really explore
what a relationship might feel like with the other person?
It seems to us if you
could somehow start over with this guy, push reset, you might have a chance to
really have a great relationship. Because it’s obvious that the two of you have
a connection, even more than just sexual chemistry. But in order to move
forward one of you needs to take a leap of faith. And frankly, it’s probably
going to have to be you since you seem to be the one who’s unsure right now.
Women often say, “Once a
player, always a player.” And that may be true to a certain degree but there’s
one caveat. Sometimes a guy is a player until he finds the person he’s looking
for. It’s true that guys don’t always know what they are looking for, but they
do know when they’re with someone who isn’t it. (Hope that makes sense.) He’s
29, so maybe he’s ready to move from being a player to a serious guy?
We think you need to go
on some proper dates with this guy, almost as if you had just met. Why not
start by inviting him for coffee or lunch, far removed from the nighttime
events where you normally meet up? That way you can really get to know each
other on a different level. You’ll really be able to find out who the other
person is. And maybe this will make you more comfortable. After that, see if
he’ll take the reigns from there and take you out to dinner, or the movies, or
a museum, or a hike, or a show, or whatever. You don’t have to jump right into
a serious relationship, but you do need to clear your head and figure out what
you truly want. We recommend staying away from the bedroom for a time because
this will only serve to confuse you more.
We think you should give
this a go. Stop being coy with him. (And hopefully he’ll do the same once he
sees you might be interested.) Let yourself be open to possibilities. What’s
the worst thing that could happen? Yes, he could reject you. And that will feel
pretty crappy. But at least you won’t still be in a holding pattern, wondering
what he’s thinking and what you should do. There’s nothing better than getting
definitive answers. (As definitive as you can within a relationship.)
Keep us posted. Leave us
a comment here in the comments section and we’ll respond here as well.
Good luck,
THE GUYS
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