Put away your beaver luv, yellow Majorca, coming of age, and swallowing
Don't be eating whilst you read this bit...
I'd love to say that very little can shock or surprise me, but Other People's Beaver's will always catch me off guard... I'm sitting on a sofa and She of the Beaver is sitting on a breakfast stool in front of me. Her mobile rang and she hastily excused herself, scrambled out of the seat, and in slow motion I found myself trapped in beaver headlights!I felt myself freeze as the skirt went right up, the legs went in opposite directions, and excess beaver hair hanging over side of knickers left me clutching myself and burying my head in the sofa as she departed.
I don't want to see your fandora/fanny/va-jay-jay/vagina or whatever you want to call it! And I certainly don't want to see it if it looks like you need a weedwacker, a helmet, and some shatterproof glasses to go near it, nevermind chop it off!Honestly, I feel like I could go straight upstairs and remove all of my beaver just through the trauma of seeing so much hair!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!And still don't be eating when you read this bit...
You'd think after seeing the bambino poo on Godmother M's lap on our weekend away that I would have been over being shocked... The bambino, loving being on holiday and disobeying the boyf and I, managed to stuff herself with sand, pineapple, and anything else that happened to stray into her path."What's that yellow stuff?" the boyf asked M.
"Must be some food or something" and she quickly wiped it up. More materialised and as we lifted up the bambino who was 'leaking', M instantly regretted letting her eat the rest of her pineapple.M's boyfriend who had just returned from a mini shopping expedition said "Well I think I'll wait till you guys get back from the bathroom before showing you my new belt and wallet because it doesn't look like a good time right now..."
You don't say...On our return from cleaning up the diva bambino, I looked in the pushchair and said "God thank goodness she didn't do that in the pushchair! It would have been a right nightmare to clean that up!" and M burst out laughing.
"What and so it's lucky she did it on my leg?" she said in mock outrage."Well...yeah actually!" the boyf wisecracked. "I was just thinking that I'd had a lucky escape when I passed her over to you! It could have been me!"
We had a great time in Majorca getting some rest in and roaming the quaint streets of Palma, shopping, chatting, and telling ridiculous stories and falling around laughing. The bambino loved her first time in the sea, playing in the sand, and messing around in the pool with her dad.
Moments after the bambino sat on sand for the first time, the boyf said "Hey, we'd better watch out for her eating..." just as a mouthful of sand went in. We had to rinse her out with a bottle of water, but her hands got wet, so she then put them in the sand, and then licked her hands in delight.... She also kept following a naked Italian boy...On the flight on the way out, the bambino indulged in one of her favourite pastimes of riffling through my handbag and my wallet. I looked up distractedly from my book and just caught her in the nick of time trying to throw away £80!
I realised that it's July next month, which means I'll be 31! Thirty-frickin-one! Yikes! I suddenly panicked because I realised that I really will be in my thirties and that I really should start acting like a grown up. Mind you, I realised that now that I'm self-employed, I actually work harder now in many respects than I did as an employee!Remember last month when I made a wanking sign at one of the directors of the company where I do my consultancy work? Well at a meeting today, one of them asked me a question just as I was chewing my salad.
"Um...wait a second...need.to.swallow..." and for a few moments I laboured over swallowing. Eventually I said "Sorry about that! I'm not very good at swallowing on cue!" and everyone cracked up laughing! I need to get out of my bedroom office more...Jaysus...even that sounds dodge!
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